Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Beach

"The Beach" was selected as a winner of the Margaret Lamb/Writing to the Right-Hand Margin Prize for Fiction in April 2011.This short-short story was first published in The Fordham Observer and later in the Fordham Prizes Anthology. View the original publication here.
 
The Beach

The beach was a short drive from Kathy’s house. The shore was all flatland, white sand broken up by iridescent rocks and patches of yellow grass.
“I told you it was beautiful,” said Frank, as he and Kathy spread blankets on the ground.
Jessica didn’t agree. The beach was clean and the water was blue, but it was not beautiful. It was better, at least, than Coney Island, where Frank had taken her on her first night in New York. That beach had smelled like burnt hot dogs and cigarettes, garbage left too long in the sun.
“I bet it’s nothing like the beaches in your country,” Kathy said.
“It’s not that different,” Jessica replied.
Frank uncapped a bottle of suntan lotion, and Jessica reached to help him. He waved her hand away.
It had been three weeks since Jessica came to New York to be with Frank. On the morning she left Santo Domingo, her family had gathered at the airport gate, dressed in their church clothes. Jessica’s sisters looked solemn, carrying red bunches of framboyan, her favorite flower. Hernando, the youngest, slurped loudly from a cup of guarapo Jessica had bought to appease him. Jessica’s father did not come to say goodbye. Her mother refused to embrace her. She wept instead, darkening the collar of her dress and muttering, “This is someone else’s dream. It was never supposed to be yours.”

Frank and Kathy ate oranges, the pulp sliding down their arms, as they gossiped about old classmates from Brown. They had done the same the night before in Kathy’s backyard, when Jessica and Frank arrived for the weekend. They discussed whose children had been admitted to private schools, which women were gaining an unseemly amount of weight, and whose husbands were cheating with the help. Kathy had laughed at all Frank’s jokes, sloshing wine over her lawn chair, a red flush creeping up her neck. 
Later that night, in Kathy’s yellow wallpapered guest room, Frank had not wanted to make love.
​“I’m tired, babe,” he had said.
Most nights Frank woke Jessica by shaking her by the shoulders, yanking at the clasp of her bra, and whispering, “Despiértate mamita.” But in Kathy’s guest room, he would not be moved.
“I’m turning off the light,” he had said with finality, and then the room was dark.
Making love was the most attention Frank showed Jessica most nights. Usually, he came home and graded papers over dinner, never thanking her for the rice and pernil that were the greatest accomplishments of her day. If she brought up looking for a job, he advised her to wait until they were married. It was harder to get a job in New York, he said. She was only twenty-one, and not yet a citizen.
Sometimes, Jessica was so lonely after Frank came home that she went out for walks, claiming she needed to buy more celery or soap. She got lost every time, her years of English lessons proving useless. Her mother had paid for the lessons with the money Jessica’s father sent monthly from his own house, in a better neighborhood, elsewhere in the capital.

“Would you like an orange Yes-ee-ca?”
            “No thank you, Kathy.” 
            “I packed sandwiches, too.” 
            “I’m not hungry.”
“No wonder you’re so thin. Your women always have such beautiful figures. What’s it called, Frank? An hourglass?”
Kathy touched Frank on the shoulder and waited for him to answer. Her hair tossed in the wind. It was long and pale, the color of the sand. If it were not for the lines at the corners of her eyes and around her mouth when she smiled, she could have been Jessica’s age.
Frank helped himself to a sandwich. “Did you hear about Connor? He and his wife had to give up the house.”
“I heard! And it wasn’t even in that great a neighborhood…”

Jessica had turned down a job at the university in Santo Domingo to follow Frank. She was offered a research position working for the professor who had introduced them. When Frank arrived from New York, Jessica had given him a tour of the capital. She had liked Frank’s clumsy Spanish, the way he asked her opinion on things, the pressure of his hand on her back when they walked down a narrow street. It was easy to say yes, when after a few months, he asked her to follow him.
            “It would not have been much of a job anyway,” Jessica had told her mother while they packed her things. “Nothing in this country moves forward.”
            Jessica’s mother had warned, “Don’t believe everything a man promises. Look at me.”
            “He’s not Papi,” Jessica had answered, zipping her maleta shut with a sound like tearing.

“So, Yes-ee-ca. How long will you be in the United States?
            “As long as Frank wants to be here.” 
            “What’s your plan?”
            “Plan?” Jessica repeated.
            “Are you going to look for a job? Are you going to go on living with Frank?”
            Jessica looked at Frank for an answer, but he did not look up from his sandwich.
            “Our plan is to get married.”
            “Married? I had no idea. My congratulations.”
            Jessica waited again for Frank to say something or take her hand and prove what she had said was true. He tossed aside the crust of his sandwich and stood up.
“I think I’ll go for a swim. Do you ladies want to come along?”
“Frank, you know I only come to the beach to tan,” Kathy said. Jessica shook her head.
“Suit yourselves.”
Frank took off for the water, kicking sand up behind him.
“Just us girls now,” Kathy murmured, pulling apart an orange rind with her teeth.

Before they left for Long Island, Jessica had cleaned Frank’s study, where he spent most of his time. The room had not been properly cleaned in years. Jessica washed the windows and clapped the curtains together, dispersing clouds of dust into the air. She wiped coffee rings and ink stains from the desk. It took hours, but she did not mind the work. The day did not drag as it usually did, and Frank came home early.
            When he saw the study, he raked his hand through his hair and frowned.
            “Why did you do this?” he asked.
            Jessica thought it was obvious. “I was trying to help.”
            Frank sighed and dropped his briefcase into the chair.
“I’ve lived in this apartment for ten years. I know how I like my things.”
“Well, I’m here now,” Jessica had said, the sound of her voice surprising her.
            “Don’t make this any more difficult.”
            “I was trying to help,” she repeated and then left the room to pack for the trip.
            She did not cry as she packed, although she came close. She had not been so close since the day she was accepted at the university in Santo Domingo. She had walked to her father’s house in La Plaza Colonial to tell him the good news, but he did not answer the door. She could hear him inside, laughing and eating dinner with his other family. Jessica kept knocking, the acceptance letter crumpled in her hand, until his maid came to the door and said Don Amado was busy and to come back another day.
            When Jessica laid their things out on the bed: Frank’s swimming trunks and socks, her underwear and yellow bathing suit, it seemed like the evidence of their life together. She assured herself that Long Island, the beach, would help. Soon, they would be married.

Kathy did not speak after Frank left for the water. She and Jessica ignored each other; they watched other people read and tan, come in and out of sleep.
“I think I’ll go join, Frank,” Jessica said after a while. Kathy did not reply.
The sand was sticky between Jessica’s toes. It was not warm and powdery like the beaches in Samaná, where Frank had held her hand as the waves broke over their bodies. After those days at the beach, his skin would be covered in a dry white film and taste like salt.
Frank was already far from the shore when Jessica entered the surf. She tried walking toward him, but the water resisted, pushing her back. The distance between them grew quickly as Frank glided over the waves. It had been quiet on the beach, but out in the ocean, Jessica could not hear anything above the roar of the water. She wanted to call after him, but instead she kept wading, until the water swept her back to where she had been standing. Jessica had never been a good swimmer, and the waves knocked her knees out from under her, dragging her away. The salt stung her eyes. When she surfaced, she could not pick him out from the dozen other pale figures advancing against the tide.
“Frank! Frank!”
She kept calling, but he never turned around.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

soul for a rainy day



erykah badu's new video, window seat, has caused quite a commotion online. it's a narrative music video: a "story" by erykah badu. its melody kept me company in the rain today.

the video premiered on badu's website this weekend, and i've got to say --- i'm glad the videos premiering online aren't all of the telephone variety. i don't know why lady gaga thought it would be clever or appropriate to set her video in a prison (jail never looked so good --- according to gaga, life behind bars is all high-fashion glitz). sure, she's trying to "make a statement", but what is the statement exactly? what is she trying to say?

badu is pretty clear about her message. the song is a glimpse into the deep interior life of a woman who is a great comfort and catalyst to herself. the lyrics about the desire to get away from a life that's not all bad. i understand the longing to go away for a bit and hope someone will call you back. at the end of the video, erykah philosophizes aloud about the dangers of groupthink and the power of self-love and transformation.

as for erykah, she is (to quote the good, brilliant, and compassionate friend who first showed me this video) real and beautiful.

all in all, i think this video is great --- it's got the feminism and the art i've been missing in mainstream music.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

edward, we're not in forks anymore



this weekend i saw the runaways, a film from first-time director floria sigismondi about the '70s all-girl rock band fronted by guitarist joan jett and vocalist cherie currie. 

kirsten stewart plays jett, an ambitious, tough teen who transgresses gender norms of the time by idolizing the sex pistols and chuck berry, wearing a secondhand men's leather jacket, making out with girls, and playing the electric guitar. young jett's love for rock 'n' roll is so earnest, infectious, and inextricable from her identity that she inevitably becomes the heroine of the film, or as a. scott of The New York Times says, the "one [we] root for... the spine and soul" of the story. 

dakota fanning plays currie, a timid, beautiful girl who descends into addiction and isolation before finally learning to assert herself and find meaning in life beyond the limelight.

the movie dramatizes the divergent fates of currie and jett: currie eventually quits the runaways, while jett goes on to become a rock legend. as tough as jett is, currie is vulnerable. the film suggests that for currie, the runaways was more about acceptance and belonging than the music. 

these disparate characterizations of jett and currie work narratively in the film, but are (of course) oversimplifications of the girls' real-life identities and desires. although jett served as executive producer for the film and currie's memoir, neon angel, provided much of the inspiration for the script, the runaways nonetheless includes some inaccuracies and omissions about the experiences of the band. 

something the film does seem to get right, however, is the incredible intimacy shared by the two young women who found themselves united by the trials of coming of age in a macho music scene.

at times, the friendship between jett and currie feels like the only safe space in the movie. the girls retreat into their friendship, and so do we as viewers. it ain't easy to watch 15-year-old fanning trip on drugs, grow arrogant and alienated from her family, suffer insults during rock 'n' roll boot camp, and emerge as a star known not for her vocal ability, but rather, for her ability to sell "women's libido" and not "women's lib" to audiences. 

cherie currie has called the film a "cautionary tale" that depicts the dangers of being young and female in a profit-driven, male-dominated music industry. the real-life runaways faced everything from sexual exploitation, emotional manipulation, verbal assault, and sketchy fiscal management at the hands of the adult men who managed their careers. most notable super-creep is kim fowley, producer and promoter for the runaways, who is played by michael shannon in the film. 

sigismondi does a good job of capturing the empowerment, freedom, and fun the girls experienced on the road, as well as the ways they were mistreated. the film avoids becoming just another rock biopic that chronicles the quick rise and fall of a band that fell prey to drugs, alcohol, and "the decade." the scenes of stewart and fanning, giggling, high, and romping around motels, airplane bathrooms, and backstage, are balanced with just as many scenes of the girls, particularly currie, realizing they have lost themselves. 

stewart and fanning are very convincing as jett and currie. they sing, they curse, they play, they shout and break things, and i believed them. both young actors seem to aim straight for the heart of things --- the runaways is about girlhood and experimentation and ambition and learning to assert oneself. 

the performance sequences in the film are strong, and it is clear that sigismondi's background is in music video direction (she has directed videos for fiona apple, the racontuers, christina aguilera, and the cure). the performance sequences are enthralling, dizzying, and disturbing for the viewer --- much as they must have been for the runaways who rocked out on stage, while high or drunk or being ogled mercilessly by male crowds.

sigismondi also portrays life off-the-road with authenticity, artfully studying the wasteland of 1970s californian suburbia. cherie's life before the runaways highlights the emptiness of this world --- she is teased at a high school talent show for her Bowie-worship, harassed by her sister's sleazy boyfriend, neglected by her actress mother and alcoholic father, and is terrified of winding up as an employee at the local Pup 'N' Fries. 

all in all, the film works. we understand why the runaways make the choices they do. we admire their rebelliousness and ambition, while remembering they were kids. 

my favorite scene in the film was the last, in which currie calls into a radio show where jett is the on-air guest. the two women talk, years after the breakup of the runaways, and the viewer gets the overwhelming sense that the friendship between cherie and joan is the most important, lasting thing to come out of the success of the runaways. after the girls hang up, they smile, and crimson and clover plays before the credits roll. this song, originally by tommy james and the shondells, later covered by joan jett and the blackhearts, feels like a homage to the camaraderie between the two women, which was real and beautiful, messy, necessary ---  the stuff rock 'n' roll legends (and biopics) are made of. 

the original lineup of the runaways, from left to right 
back: joan jett, jackie fox, lita ford, front: sandy west, cherie currie

Friday, February 12, 2010

5 Thoughts In Response to John Mayer's Playboy Interview





Cause a picture of Staceyann Chin is always better than a picture of John Mayer

1. So, when John Mayer says his penis is a "white supremacist", does he realize he isn't  just saying that he doesn't find black women attractive? Does he realize that the idea of a "white supremacist penis" evokes rape for a lot of women? Not to mention, slavery? White supremacy is not a simple matter of preference. If your penis is a white supremacist, you've got a big problem. Does your penis wear little pointed white hats too? If your penis is a white supremacist, you need a new one. 

2. Why does John Mayer  keep saying he was trying to be "witty" and "edgy"? Doesn't he know that being a white man with lots of power who brags of his sexual exploits, makes light of racism, and demeans women doesn't make him edgy? Things that are edgy should play with our expectations or challenge the power structure. John Mayer isn't shaking up any expectations or power structure - he is conforming to the violent status quo so many of us are trying to break down (for our own survival). Furthermore, you can't dismiss your racist, sexist comments as "slips of the tongue" or failed attempts at being clever. Take them for what they are --- insight into the internalized racism and sexism you're carrying and need to work on if you want to be a better person. 

3. It's clear John Mayer doesn't love women. Having sex with women doesn't mean you love them. "Daughters" officially counts for nothing. A theoretical or professed love for women doesn't matter. Spare us the ballad and just treat women better/don't have a white supremacist penis. 

4. Sexual napalm - WHAT!? 

5. Never call yourself a blues singer. Again. 


Enough about John Mayer. All this talk calls for some Staceyann Chin. Check out "Common Truths or Why I Love My Vagina." The poem includes some mature language, but it is beautiful and one of my favorites. On the link (which is an HTML version of a publication that printed the poem), go down to page 8 to read. 

Three cheers for the women of color who wake up every day and mess up the power structure. That's edgy, to say the least. 

Thursday, January 28, 2010

ladies make the best art



fumbling towards ecstasy is perhaps one of my favorite albums of all time. when my grandmother died, i listened to sarah mclachlan for days.

i remember my family thought it was taboo that i was listening to music and singing right after losing someone i loved. to my dominican family, grief often means abstaining from things; loss is solemn and best acknowledged through reverent silence, sacrifices, promises.

sarah's songs meant a great deal to me. they were about self-discovery and desire, learning fearlessness. there is something really feminist about surrender. so much of fumbling towards ecstasy is about choosing surrender. this message is important for me as someone who feminism (or patriarchy) has trained to face life with my fists up, ready at any moment to pick a fight or assume crash positions.

i am still waiting for another lilith fair... with more women of color.



and in that stillness there was a freedom
i'd never felt before 

Monday, September 7, 2009

soccer, venus, & feminist grunting

In June, I spent some time watching pick up soccer games. It was fascinating for me to watch people who love the game so much running, jumping, kicking, bickering with each other, and laughing on the field. Besides my short-lived basketball career in seventh grade, I have never been involved in team sports. When I used to practice muay thai, it felt like a very personal commitment to me that was ultimately about my body, confidence, and mental strength. It was also a way for me to belong to a community of people who loved the sport and trained hard. I have had a glimpse of the deeply personal and communal nature of sports, but as someone who has never followed any sport on television nor attended many sporting events, I was still very intrigued by the pick up soccer game. Here are some photographs I would like to share from that day in the park. I shot these pictures using a Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT.




Watching soccer that day in Fort Greene park was not just a window into the world of team sports; for me, it was also a window into the secret world of men. The ways the men interacted with each other felt so foreign to me: the aggression (two fights nearly broke out during the game), easy camaraderie, competition, and modes of communication felt so far from anything I have ever been a part of.


Recently, I was fortunate enough to attend the U.S. Open. I saw Venus Williams play and she was awesome. She seemed to win easily and have fun while doing it. She was gracious during the on-court interview after the match and the crowd was crazy for her.

I must confess that there was one small thing about her performance that made me a tad uncomfortable. Each time she served or returned a ball, she screamed or grunted. If I were serving a ball at upwards of 100 mph, surely I would grunt or scream too. Yet
, I found myself cringing and embarrassed that a stadium full of people (many white, many male, many affluent) were watching her grunt and scream. The sounds seemed so sexual, so guttural and embodied.

At the time, I was very aware that my response was problematic. My embarrassment was due to my own internalized sexism. I was embarrassed for her and I was embarrassed for me. Each time she cried out, I, too, felt exposed. I felt like my physicality - strength, sex, body, presence - was being publicly articulated.

By the end of the match, I was making noise myself. Screaming and cheering and jumping up and down for Venus. I am not proud of my initial reaction during the match. Her grunts were the cries of ecstasy and exertion that must come from playing so spectacularly.

What would I have preferred? Neat silence? Control? Holding it in or holding back? Of course not.

Perhaps what I felt is the same shame that causes women to clap their hands over their mouths when they speak too loudly or out of turn, or when they make too much noise during sex, or when they say something unladylike.

One of my favorite zines about consent includes the following quote:


"Analysis does not equal immunity."


I am a feminist, but that doesn't change that I've got to
work to decolonize my mind. Sometimes my thoughts are racist and antifeminist and perpetuate all of things that hate and hurt me. I'm a work in progress. For now, my goal is to be a little more like Venus. It was an honor to see her play. She is powerful and a supreme athlete. I did not take the above photograph of Venus, but I like it. It seems as if she is singing or dancing, as well as winning whatever match this is from. Cause that is what she does. And she is good at it.

*copyright

don't steal words! don't steal images! if you want to borrow something, ask.